6 Surefire Ways To Always Be On Time When You're Locked In A Turkish Prison

The only thing worse than waiting around for someone who's running late is to be the person running late! Sure, things happen from time to time that are out of our control. You might have hit traffic or gotten stuck deep within the Turkish prison system, but as decent human beings, we don't want to let our circumstances dictate the way we treat our relationships. Here are my 6 best tips for always being on time.

1. Avoid Being Stabbed, Especially Around Lunch Time

If you're taking a lunch meeting with someone, you just have to be aware that they're using their break to meet with you, not to sit by themselves during the lunch rush, reassuring the waiter that their friend is going to show up soon. Getting stabbed means that you're going to have to stop the bleeding before making your escape from the prison to meet your pal at Urth Cafe, and that just means more waiting for someone who trusted you with their time off from work.

2. Learn To Stop Thinking About The People Around You As "People" 

I know what you're thinking. Most bloggers are staunchly against the practice of dehumanization, but I'm going to give you permission to access that dark part of your mind. If you want to avoid the look of disappointment on your date's face tonight, you may have to brutally murder some inmates and prison guards. Doing that without first dehumanizing them means that you're going to go into that date with some baggage and nobody wants that. Part of being on time means being present and not dwelling on the past.

3. Forget About Proving Your Innocence

This is a Turkish prison and everyone can smell hope. You have to accept your situation and learn to survive. Any second wasted pretending you're going to find a way out of there without breaking the rules is a second that you could be using to figure out how you're going to meet your old high school physics teacher for coffee. Ms. Benjamin was your favorite teacher and you wouldn't want to have her find out that you're an inconsiderate clod who doesn't care about other people's time. "They wouldn't listen to me when I said I was innocent," just isn't going to cut it.

4. Wear A Watch

No-brainer here. You're going to lose track of time if you don't have a watch on. Next.

5. Blend In And Don't Make Too Much Noise

In the business world, you might want to make a big splash and a name for yourself, but when you land in Turkey, you're going to want to be just another prisoner. Don't let the guards take notice of you or it'll become even more difficult to sneak away and meet your brother at Space Mountain. The parks are closing early and he wants to get as much time at Disney as possible, and this is only going to happen if you're stealthy. You might point out that if you're stealthy, you can stay in the parks after they close, but that's stupid because all the rides are off. Don't be stupid.

6. Don't Make Promises You Can't Keep

This is the big one. Tardiness is only possible if you create an expectation for someone. Don't be afraid to say that you can't meet if you think that the other inmates are too big and powerful to overcome. Trust me. Your old college buddies would much rather you tell them that you're being forced into penetrative anal sex against your will than to get an exaggerated text from you about how close you are to finding parking.