Do You Find Yourself Eating Alone at Restaurants? Follow These 8 Expert Tips
You're hungry. I get it. You've gotta eat eventually. But do it enough and at some point, you'll end up having to eat by yourself. Feeling a little nervous? Out of place? That's where I come in. As someone who regularly eats alone, I'm here to offer you my 8 expert tips on eating by yourself.
1. Be Afraid Of People
People can't be trusted. People are always seeking out new information and conversations with people can give away more about you than you'd like. The only verbal communication that needs to happen is between you and the waiter and all you should be telling them is your order. Nothing else. You're hungry for food, not for companionship. You chose this life.
2. Avoid Eye Contact
They say that the eyes are the window to the soul. I wouldn't know, because I've never looked anyone in the eyes, and if you're set on eating alone in a restaurant, you're gonna want to start practicing this useful skill. Some people can read you and your situation just by glancing into your eyes, so don't give them the opportunity. Look down and be alert.
3. Always Bring A Book
Preferably a different book each time. I used to carry a Kindle loaded with comic books around, but I realized that it became an identifier. People would know me as the person reading their Kindle. You DO NOT WANT THAT. In order to maintain your optimum alone time and maximize the distance between you and the waiter, you'll need to bring a different book each time. This is important, because it will be the most natural looking way to avoid eye contact with anyone. Counting all the obtuse angles in the place is fun, but might draw attention to you, and any attention could mean letting information slip that you don't want getting out.
4. Don't Ever Become A "Regular"
Does the waiter all of a sudden know your face and your order? You've done it wrong. This opens the door to "small talk" and a potential relationship. That is unacceptable. They already know too much about you. Now, it doesn't matter how much you love those pancakes and sausages. It's the last time you'll ever taste them. No, when you're a "regular," you can never truly be alone, meaning that no secrets are really safe.
5. Always Give A Fake Name
Though you should try at all costs to avoid giving any name at all, you might find yourself in a situation in which the waiter will need your name. Hopefully it won't happen, but in case it does, you have this tactic to cover your ass if you're ever recognized. Who was that regular? Mark? Not my real name. Sorry, you'll never find me again. You think Don has a troubled past? Can't be true. Don isn't real. You just sold a meal to a ghost, and you'll never know who he really is.
6. Bring A Change Of Clothes
Let's be real. When you're hungry at least 3 times a day, you're going to be eating at a lot of restaurants, meaning that someone is going to recognize you for what you did at some point. There will be no warning when they come for you, and the first identifiers will be your clothes. Make sure you have clothing that "blends." You want to seem like just one of them even though you know you're different. Your past has shaped your present and you will never be the same, but maybe you can make it seem that way.
7. Always Pay Cash
Whether you like it or not, you're probably creating a subconscious pattern, meaning that they will be able to predict your next move. Paying in cash ensures that they will never know exactly where you've been. Eyewitnesses are unreliable, but you know that already. It may make your wallet a little bit bulkier, but you threw away your ability to use cards and PayPal when you decided to begin living as a fugitive. You had to have seen this coming. And make sure to leave enough tip. You're a monster, but you're not that kind of a monster.
8. Never Look Back
Eat knowing that the last bite you take at that place is the last bite you'll take there, because if you don't keep moving, you will be caught, and you cannot afford to be caught. I'm sorry if it was the best meal you'd ever had, but you have to move on to the next one. You have to keep on moving. This is your life now. No two meals will be the same, and every meal will be alone. Just remember that with everything that's happened, it could (and probably should) be a whole lot worse. Let them know your order, but never let them know your secrets. That is your burden now.
